Dear Voldieshorts
by Jaysnow-Silverblaze
Summary: Sugarhighs and bored Harry's shouldn't be left alone- as proved by his... letter to Voldemort? All letters! T for slightly disturbing suggestions. (soon to be LVHP sorry those who dislike. Very very minor references to romance. Slightly-Tsundere!Voldemort!)
1. Chapter 1

Right! Okay, so I get there are a _million_ of these on FF. net but I absolutely adore them and I decided to post my own. Yeps, so here's the premise. Harry owls the dark lord while on a sugar high, scares the order, all that good stuff. It's the end of fourth year right after Voldemort has been resurrected but things are a bit different with the resurrection (will explain that later).

Jaysnow-Silverblaze- Out! Enjoy!

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><p><em>Dear He-Who-Cannot-Kill-Me-No-Matter-How-Hard-He-Tries,<em>

_Yes, you've guessed correctly, it is none other than… (Drum roll please)… ME! The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Annoy-You. I bet you're wondering why I'm writing to you so I __**guess**__ I'll tell you._

_I'm BORED. Bored, bored, bored, bored! I mean seriously, who leaves a fifteen year old who just witnessed someone being killed, in a muggle neighborhood while telling his friends not to owl him! You have three guesses at who it was and the first two don't count._

_Oh yes, and because of that lovely day I have been suffering from ridiculous nightmares ranging from the day you first died to Dumbledore wearing women's knickers… But that last one wasn't quite your fault, blame Ginny._

_Have you ever contemplated going insane? Yes, I am quite aware that I am either insane or have a death wish to even be __**sending**__ this to you but hey, who really cares. Hmm… on that note did you already have your annual attempt-to-kill-Harry-Potter-plan yet, because I would love it if you'd send me a copy- I could give you some pointers!_

_Hoping you're cold without any hair,_

_Harry Potter_

_Your eternal annoyance_

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><p><em>Dear Soon-To-Be-Dead Potter,<em>

_What time was this sent and how much alcohol had you consumed before you sent it because it's either that or you have a death wish. There is no other reason I would have received a letter from you, no matter your level of boredom. If you think I'm going to apologize for giving you __**nightmares**__ then you'll be waiting for a long time because Dark Lords __**try**__ to cause nightmares more often than not. Three guesses? Dumbledore, Dumbledore and Dumbledore but if I only had one choice I'd say Alastor Moody._

_I shudder to think of living one of your dreams Potter, particularly the latter of the two stated. I think I might have to have Severus obliviate it from my memory- remind me why I didn't kill the Weaseltte in the chamber?_

_Potter, __**you**__ are insane to a point that even I cannot understand, I on the other hand am quite sane- I just have random bouts of insanity frequently. I promise to send you a copy of my plan- the one that I __**won't**__ be using anyways. If I stooped to the point of taking your pointers for a raid to capture __**you**__ I would give myself up to the ministry- or have myself admitted to the St. Mungos psychiatric ward._

_Hair or no hair I am a wizard that knows warming charms._

_Can't wait to mount your head on a spike,_

_The Dark Lord_

_P.s. You do realize I know__** exactly**__ where you are living now due to the locating charm I placed on your owl right?_

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><p><em>Dear Order of the Flaming Flamingo (no insult to Fawkes intended)<em>

_Hey, I'm alive all! I'm starting to wonder if it's just me or if the Prophet thinks I'm barmy? Now, down to business. Hermione, I leave you my collection of muggle books that my cousin left in his second bedroom and has never touched. Ron I leave you with a muggle garden gnome, do with it what you will. Remus, I leave you my picture of you and Madeline snogging- don't ask where I stole it from. Sirius, I leave you my memory of Pettegrew's confession- get a girlfriend. Snape, greasy git extraordinaire, I leave you the rights to all potions ingredients that may be obtained from the basilisk I killed in second year. Albus Dumbledore, I leave you a request to go fuck yourself, and the broken vase in my closet._

_Now that I have that out of the way I can die happy._

_Harry Potter_

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><p><em>Dear Voldie-poo<em>

_I am appalled that you think I would drink! I am not of age! How dare you insinuate I am not an outstanding citizen! Haven't you heard of 'Saint Potter'? No? How about 'Gryffindor's Golden Boy'? 'The Chosen One'? You must have at least once. No, I think I was on a sugar high for my first letter- Good thing Mrs. Weasley sent me lots of sweets!_

_I didn't really expect you to apologize for my nightmares but since you made a point of actually __**telling**__ me that, did you know that Dumbledore actually does dance around in women's knickers? I fell into his pensive when I found out about Crouch and –shudder-._

_Would that give you nightmares? I'm sure I have more if they don't. Oh, and if you kill Ginny can I have a picture? She used the Bat-Bogie hex on Cho and screamed I would marry her in the middle of the Great Hall._

_**I**__ am not insane- if you can call yourself sane in __**any**__ way then I am most definitely sane. I mean only one of us has to be the crazy psychopath- the other has to be the hero who comes in and kicks your arse every time- haven't you watched any muggle movies?_

_Quite frankly, I think you should be admitted to St. Mungos on principle- I mean whoever dies, spends years as a specter then gets reborn as a half-snake-hybrid-thing can't be all that 'okay in the head'._

_Wait wait wait. I think I missed something. You can do spells other than the unforgivables! I think my brain just imploded- do you think I can tell that to Hermione? She'll owe me ten galleons- she said that even if you __**knew**__ the other curses/spells you would only use them if you really needed them- unless you think that casting a warming charm is necessary due to your lack of hair…_

_Now that I think about it, do you have __**any**__ hair? I mean… other than your head? Wait! Nevermind! Bad image! I'm pulling a Dobby here if you didn't realize. Do you think you could spare Snape for an obliviate here as well?_

_My head is fine where it is._

_Hoping you kill the Dursleys,_

_Gryffindor's Golden Boy_

_P.s. I think I just insulted myself- 'Gryffindor's Golden Boy'- Pff_

_P.P.s. I don't __**care**__ that you know where my relatives live- I would have had Moody enchant the letter otherwise._

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><p><em>Dear Order<em>

_Did I scare you? I hope I did. Dursley's are treating me as usual- I got another lock. Vernon was furious I had a murderer as a godfather. Sirius, I thank you from the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin (reference Hermione if you have no idea what I'm talking about.)_

_H.P._

_Dear Harry,_

_How __**dare**__ you send something like that! I understand you hate the lack of letters but that was ridiculous! If you ever send something as suggestive of a will or suicide note I'm sending Snape to look in on you! Just because you're not allowed at Headquarters doesn't mean you should send us suicide notes! Just keep telling us you're alive, and we'll try to get you out of there before school._

_Molly Weasley._


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much my first and only reviewer! You are the reason I am posting this so soon!

Kudos to the anonymous reviewer – Serenity I. Noir!

Might want to reiterate what the last letter was about so you don't get confused.

Harry called him Voldie-poo and got offended about Voldemort insinuating he drank. He said that Dumbledore danced around in women's knickers. He also asks for Snape to be sent to obliviate the information from his head.

Enjoy!

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><p><em>Dear Gryffindor Golden Boy,<em>

_Yes, I think that's an insult. If you call me anything-poo again I will crucio you so badly you won't know whether I'm Dumbledore or not. Are you seriously insinuating that you have __**never**__ drank anything other than butterbeer before? Pumpkin juice? Maybe the Gryffindor Golden Boy is actually a good name for you- similar to goody-two-shoes isn't it?_

_Sugarhigh? If that was you on a sugarhigh I can't help but wonder what you would do drunk… Would you drink it if I sent you a bottle of firewhiskey? _

_Did you really just say that? I think I'm going to have to wash my brain with bleach- yes I know what that is. On that note, if I killed you the muggle way would it still fulfill the prophecy? No matter how many times you've avoided dying by the Avada I'm sure I could kill you with Bleach…While we're on the subject of killing why in the world would you want me to kill the girl? I thought she was your 'best-friend's little sister'. No- I would not give you a picture, though you might be able to convince Bella to after I break her out of Azkaban- it really depends on what you have to bargain with._

_I do not watch muggle movies, I'm sure you knew that. Can we get off the subject of sanity for a moment? I'm sure we are both moderately insane for even keeping this correspondence up. I am most certainly 'okay in the head' despite my thirteen years as a specter and I can prove it with my followers. Would they follow someone insane? Bellatrix aside of course._

_If you really want your little friends- who no doubt report to Dumbledore- to know you are speaking to me I can't stop you. Well I __**can**__ but I just meant on principle. For your information however I __**can**__ use other spells. For example- you saw that blue light didn't you?- It was a magical core scanner. Now I know if you're just lucky or you really do have all that power. You really should learn how to check your letters before you take them._

_Why don't we lay off the subject of hair? I already proved I could send hexes and charms through letters so don't make me send a hair-removal charm- I will. I am going to pretend that the rest of that paragraph didn't exist. No you cannot borrow Severus- unless you want him to completely obliviate you._

_Did you really just say you wanted me to kill your relatives?_

_Contemplating your demise,_

_The Dark Lord_

_Ps. You are a fool_

_PPs. I'm tempted to send Death Eaters to your residence just to spite_

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><p><em>you.<em>

_Dear Voldie_

_Your letters are too long! I'd almost passed out by the time I finished reading it- though that may have had something to do with blood loss… eh whatever. Oh, and by the way- I would be completely loopy by the time you finished your crucio so there's really no point in it. _

_Now that you mention it… I'm pretty by the book when it comes to rules, unless I'm tying to kill you or rescue my godfather. I promise to send you a letter intoxicated- as long as you don't spike it or poison it._

_Umm… I think __**anyone**__ would die with bleach. _

_Prophecy? What are you talking about? Is that why you've been trying to kill me? I am going to kill Dumbledore if that's the case. Do you know it? Please tell me? I promise I won't scar you with mental images of Dumbledore being creepy._

_Why would I want you to kill Ginny? Because she is a BWL fanatic and she won't lay off. I thought she'd gotten over it because she was dating other guys but I heard her crying about how I wasn't jealous. Bellatrix hmm… she sounds even more insane than you. About your followers… yes? If they thought you'd kill them then definitely._

_Reporting to Dumbledore…? Why didn't I think of that earlier! That completely explains why he knows everything that goes on around me! You are a genius- don't let that inflate your ego. It's big enough as it is. That blue light scared the crap out of me just so you know. Ooh, and can you send me a copy? I want to know that too- Dumbledore won't tell me a thing._

_Yes I promise not to talk about you lack of hair and I __**really**__ don't feel like getting obliviated to the point of acting like Lockhart so I'll be fine without Snape. _

_Kill them already! It'd save me some grief._

_Really not caring,_

_The Boy-Who-Lived_

_Ps. Do it!_

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><p><em>Eternal Annoyance<em>

_Why are their blood splatters on the letter you sent me? If someone is hurting you and it's not me I am going to kill them. It's not firewhiskey but drink these instead. It's a pain relief potion and a blood replenishing potion._

_How do you __**not**__ know about the prophecy? Dumbledore should have told you after the Quirell incident. I myself only know part of it. _

_The one with the power to vanquish the dark lord shall be born as the seventh month dies_

_Born to those who have thrice defiled him_

_And he shall have a power the Dark Lord knows not_

_And that's all I know but there is more perhaps you could sneak into the Department of Mysteries…?_

_Yes I am quite aware that I am a genius- I thought it was obvious. _

_Ah yes, about the 'blue light' apparently you have various power blocks on your core. It's surprising you are as powerful as you are- granted you don't know anything but 'Expelliarmus' ah wait, 'Accio' as well but that seems to be it._

_Why are you so determined I kill the muggles? _

_L.V._

_Ps. I've changed my opinion of myself. I am an idiot. You are being abused aren't you?_

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><p><em>Dear Order,<em>

_Alive! Hey Molly, do you think you could have yelled any louder? My relatives were thrilled when they were woken up at five in the morning to hear that._

_Harry_

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><p><em>Snake-face,<em>

_No, what gave you that idea?_

_The blood splatters are because I coughed up blood. I was too lazy to rewrite it and I'm not allowed to do magic because of the stupid trace. Hmm… wandless magic seems like something to practice. Ooh… could you kill the Dursleys? I promise I won't protect them!_

_I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you. I really needed those potions. Do you have any more blood replenishing potions? I'm sure I'm going to need them._

_Are you sure you want to kill me? Because I'm sure we can get a lot more done if we have a truce until Dumbles is dead. Maybe we could some to an agreement about getting it out of the DoM…_

_Powerblocks... Can __**I**__ kill Dumbles please? I promise you can kill who ever else you want- Except Remus and Sirius but that's really beside the point._

_Can I kill them if you won't? I'm going to blame you though._

_H.P._

_R&R _please!

Js-Sb out!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three! I'm proud of myself for this story actually, seeing as I mostly do one-shots. Please review! I love the feedback I've gotten and for the _eleven_ more reviews I got than last chapter! Thank you everyone~

**Neogirl31, **_PotterDragon,_** Flame Rises, **_Yali_**, Floraly, **_Swordquill71_**, Bluetoads, **_Shiro Anubis,_** sousie, **_Melikalilly, _**Sabina11,**_ fallevelyn_

Thank you so so much. Here's the story!

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><p><em>Ch3<em>

_Dear Necromancy Experiment,_

_I happen to quite like my 'snake-face' as you put it. As for the address, I think it's suitable for someone who has managed to survive __**two**__ of my killing curses to date. Who knows about your living situation? Have you asked to stay at Hogwarts during the summer? I did in my time to escape the orphanage but Dumbledore- who __**wasn't even the current headmaster**__ said I had to bear it. Keep that in mind._

_Where did all of Dumbledore's teaching of 'love thine enemy' go? You can't be all that __**loving**__ if you want me to kill the Dursleys- though I will if I feel like it. Perhaps if you offered me the prophecy in exchange…?_

_I could have Severus brew some more potions but I have decided to take you up on your offer to write me a letter intoxicated- here's the firewhiskey- and I swear it's not spiked or poisoned._

_What's this about a truce? If you want to kill the Headmaster you are going to have to offer a lot more than your promise not to attack me when my back is turned- it wouldn't work anyways. Why do I not get to kill the mutt and the wolf? They've cause me no end of trouble._

_No! You cannot __**blame**__ me for killing your relatives when I have no part in it- that's stealing my kills!_

_Lord V._

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><p><em>Dear V,<em>

_Necromancy experiment huh? As long as I'm not an inferi I can live with that- who knows; I managed to survive a basilisk bite, almost getting kissed by a dementor, and being forced to resurrect you so I think you might be close to something._

_Speaking of dementors, did you send two to Little Whinging? My fat cousin almost got kissed (damn my 'saving people thing') and I used a patronus so I'm going for a hearing in two weeks; also got moved to headquarters. There's a fidelus so I can't tell you where it is and I don't plan on it so don't even ask._

_Dumbledore is a manipulator, I get it. He's still the 'good guy' though, technically; seeing as you keep killing people. I __**do not**__ love the Dursleys- no one could love things like that but their mothers- and I find that hard to believe too._

_I'm not going to send you a letter intoxicated until Molly gets off my back about 'cleaning up this wretch of a house'. I think Sirius is contemplating throwing her out. Ginny is stalking me again but at least now it's easier to escape. Hermione and Ron are acting normally I guess but they act like I'm a bomb- ever thought of using those in your war?_

_As I said- it's only until the Headmaster is dead- then we can go back to killing each other as much as you'd like, I could go either way. For the record- I don't care how much trouble those two have caused, they're the only connection I have to a possibility of normal. __**Please**__ don't kill them? I'll make sure to feed Nagini a rat under an anti-animagus spell in return?_

_Damn, I should have. It's too late now though,_

_Harry_

_Ps. You should start signing by another name- my mail will be screened when they see me writing._

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><p><em>Harry,<em>

_You don't know how much it pains me to write your first name- it's such a muggle name._

_I didn't send Dementors to your muggle residence- if I did I would have sent more seeing as I know you can cast an exemplary patronus from your reluctant potions professor. Do you know if he is actually on my side or Dumbledores?_

_Why do you think I am so dishonorable to ask you to tell me where you are?- Never mind. I don't want to hear your answer._

_If the 'good guy' jibe was there to hint that I should stop killing you should think again. I'm not killing Muggles and Mudbloods because I hate them- though that does help my cause- it's because they can be dangerous to society with their views and upbringing regarding magic._

_That is a waste of good firewhiskey- make sure to use it and fulfill my request at some point or I will kidnap you just because I want to see you drunk. Molly… you mean the screechy woman I always see in Wormtail's memories of the Weasley house? I would have kicked her out far sooner- how do you stand her?_

_I hope you realize I am trying to be civil and not curse you right now so I think it would be wise to tell me what a bomb is before I make you. _

_Anyway, I suppose I see your point about Dumbledore but I don't know how my Death Eaters would take it- perhaps you would join? It would be great you know- Dumbledore dead, no more trying to kill each other- it's a win-win situation. I am __**not **__giving up my only animagus because you want to feed him to my familiar._

_If I must,_

_Thomas_

_P.s. There is a spell on this parchment so only you and I can read it- to everone else it will look like a very boring letter to a muggleborn named Thomas Frost. To cast it flick your wand as though you were throwing an expelliarmus and say 'Pritonis'._

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><p><em>Thomas,<em>

_Is your full name Tom or Thomas because that's a muggle name too you know._

_You didn't huh… Wait! I __**knew**__ Snape was a Death Eater. Seriously though, if you were going to choose Death Eaters shouldn't you have chosen people who can, I dunno, __**hide**__ in a crowd! Everyone knows Snape- he's the Dungeon bat that no one likes you could have chosen someone like- I dunno… Tonks! She's a metamorphagus and she's bubbly as heck she wouldn't raise suspicion at all. Hmm… make prettier marks too! Like change Snape's to pink or yellow or have it flash different colors of the rainbow!_

_Stop calling muggle-borns mudbloods! One of my best friends is a 'mudblood' don't you remember? I see your point though… why not just take the muggle-borns away from the muggles before they can be influenced?_

_Wait- hold up- you would kidnap me just to get me drunk? You are probably the coolest Dark Lord in existence. I erm… like Molly kinda. She's very motherly, though Sirius' mother's portrait is hanging in the entrance hall and their screeches are so similar I think it's giving him flash backs._

_Ha! The Great Lord Moldyshorts doesn't know what a bomb is! It's… actually that might be a bad idea… I mean the Dark Lord killing people with Muggle machinery…? Eh whatever. A bomb is this device muggles use to blow things up- I think an exploding curse would work about the same._

_That was the most obvious manipulation I've ever seen you make. I am __**still**__ not joining you. You killed my parents remember? And my friend. And my teacher. And almost my best friend's little sister. You see? It's a long list. There are people on there that I don't know too so suck it up; I'm not joining you._

_Sirius is an animagus too. Only Moony- Remus- Ron, Hermione, and I know about it though._

_Thanks for the spell,_

_Harry_

_Ps. I think Harry was actually after my mother's- a muggle born's- father, Harry Evans._

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><p><em>Harry,<em>

_**Unfortunately**__ yes, it's Tom, my name is after my muggle father- Yours your muggle Grandfather. We seem to have much in common don't we? Our pasts, our potential, our ability to speak to snakes, we even look similar._

_Yes, Snape is a Death Eater- and Dumbledore is convinced he is spying for him. I want to know the truth! I agree with the 'hidden Death Eaters' idea but how does a flashing rainbow mark tie into that? I fail to see the stealth. For the record, I __**did**__ recruit Nymphadora Tonks and her mother Andromeda but the two of them sent me my Death Eaters back in pieces. If she's still devoted to Dumbledore I would put my efforts into converting her if I were you._

_As for the mudbloods- yes I am calling them that, deal with it- I agree with your idea but there are simply too many of them being born where we cannot abduct them from their muggle parents. Especially not under the Ministry and Dumbledore's watch on premature magic._

_I don't know whether to be disturbed that you think I am 'cool' or be amused at your opinion. I am now regretting my action of killing your parents- if you cling to __**that**__ in response even letting you be raised by pure 'light' wizards would be better. Flash backs? Ah yes, he was Regulus' little brother who deserted rather than join me- perhaps you should pass along that Regulus deserted me rather than stayed on and he 'repented' before he died. It might make him feel better._

_I'm going to pretend I didn't see your comment on my ignorance and tell you that muggle bombs are annoying and blow up to easily. I knew __**what **__it was just not what it was called. As I said before; I __**regret**__ killing your parents. Doesn't that count for anything?_

_An animagus as well… perhaps I __**will**__ let you feed the coward to Nagini… If I convinced your mutt and the wolf to join would you still say no?_

_Thomas_

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><p><em>Sirius Black,<em>

_I have ordered this owl to deliver this to you when you are alone and I wish for you to read it alone as well. I have been informed by a small link that if it wasn't for you and your lycanthrope friend's alliance to Dumbledore the boy would prefer to switch sides. Perhaps you should ask his opinion of this if you do not believe me- I would be surprised if you did._

_Please consider as I believe that this war could be ended with far fewer casualties._

_You-Know-Who_

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><p><em>Git,<em>

_You do realize I am about to be cornered by my Godfather. I would already be if not for catching a glimpse of your distinctive handwriting. I'm using a quick-quotes-quil so you can 'hear' this, and will kill you if this doesn't go well_

_Quick-Quotes-Quill Activate_

_Sirius: I have just gotten a rather disturbing message cub._

_Harry: Er… you have? I didn't fail my OWLs did I?_

_Sirius: You know you did fine. No listen to this: 'I have been informed- blah blah blah- if it wasn't for you and your lycanthrope friend's alliance to Dumbledore the boy would prefer to switch sides.' What does this mean cub? Have you been… speaking to him?_

_Harry: -mubling- I'm going to kill you tom –speaking normaly- Umm… remember that letter I sent you about my dream last year? Well it's still happening and it must work the other way too…_

_Sirius: I-…. Is this… true? Would you prefer to join the opposite side of this war?_

_Harry: To tell the truth Sirius, no. I would prefer to stay neutral. But if the two of you escaped from Dumbledore's grasp and joined Voldemort I would stick with you, so I guess he's partly right… I still don't agree with his aims though._

_Sirius: -sighs- alright, I'll speak about this with Moony, don't do anything stupid._

_Quick-Quotes-Quil Deactivate_

_You see? That went __**so**__ well. I hate you for putting me on the spot. Oh and by the way- please don't say how many ways we're similar. I just had a flashback to my second year when the diary-person-memory-thing said almost the exact same thing._

_Still unsure about your offer- what about my friends?_

_Harry_

_Ps. did you seriously sign that as 'You-Know-Who?'_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Hey! I'm sorry for the long wait- though I suppose it's not as long as some of my past stories. Anyways, I got my computer back! Woot! Sorry, just needed to get that out of my system at two in the morning. I always wondered why others complained about posting things at ungodly hours until I started doing it myself. It's the only time we can! So anyways, I'll be back to posting once every week or so now ^^

Anyways, to all my reviewers:

**KraZiiePyroHavemoreFun, **_sousie, _**FiresBurningTouch, **_Dark Lord Vyper, _**Melikalilly,** _xxHeartless Girlxx,_ **bluetoads, **_Neogirl31, _**Swordquill71,** _fallevelyn, _**Sabina11, **_Shiro Anubis,_ **floraly, **_Yali, _**Flame Rises, **_PotterDragon,_ **S.I.N**

Enjoy

* * *

><p><em>Ch 4<em>

_Boy-Wonder,_

_I was perfectly aware of what my letter would instigate and I didn't need the quill to show your dysfunctional 'family's' reactions. I can and will say anything we have in common. You will be going back to Hogwarts soon am I correct? I was planning on having another Death Eater work there but I think the ministry's choice of teacher will suit my purposes far better. Have fun with the pink frog this school year!_

_Tom_

_Ps. Yes, I signed it You-Know-Who but I wasn't trying to say what the stupid sheep say. It was obvious who was writing the letter._

* * *

><p><em>Tommy-Boy<em>

_Pff- the title is because you made an alias that sounds weird- it means 'flight of death' or something right? Besides if you had wanted to have people say 'Voldemort' you wouldn't have put a taboo on it last war._

_My family is not dysfunctional- you just don't have a family to compare it to! So ha! Maybe you should make little Bellamort babies, I know she'd agree. Oh geeze, that was a bad image- can you imagine what they would look like? Crazy frizzy haired snaked faced children… I'm getting shivers just thinking about it._

_Pink frog… I'm getting a really bad feeling about this. You mean the woman at my hearing wearing that revolting cardigan don't you? Ugh! I have such horrible luck!- Wait… you know that curse on the DADA job right? Hmm… Another death please? Or am I not allowed to say that?_

_Fate's Plaything_

* * *

><p><em>Prophecy Child,<em>

_Taboo? You heard of that? I'm proud- unless someone just mentioned it and you happened to remember it. If not you must have actually put some effort into __**researching**__ the wizarding world. Yes Voldemort means flight of death but you don't honestly expect me to take over Wizarding Britain with a name like __**Tom Riddle**__of all things, it's not even remotely frightening._

_Your family is made up of a half mentally-insane godfather, a werewolf, a bitter house elf who disobeys orders (which shouldn't even be possible) and a screaming portrait. I rest my case. Bellatrix… and me? You are more of a fool than I realized. She is happily married to her husband Rudolphus Lestrange- though I assume their marriage is rather rocky with both of them in Azkaban. I on the other hand do not find myself interested in… the more physical desires, not to mentio- why am I even discussing this with you?_

_Right… next subject. Pink Frog. The fat frog-woman in pink- you know her I know her we're talking about the same person. So rumor of the curse has spread? I only put a minor curse on the job but it must have escalated- the only person to actually die in over a decade is Quirell though just so you know so I wouldn't count on a death._

_Tom_

_Ps. I think Fate has a sick sense of humor if she needs a little boy to achieve her goals._

* * *

><p><em>Lord of the Trash-Heap<em>

_Oh yes, very lordly._

_And I __**did**__ look that up on my own! Well… after hearing it mentioned… once or twice…_

_Oh, by the way, I think you're convincing my godfather a little. I haven't heard the portrait of his mother screaming about 'disgracing the name Black' anymore. Speaking of names, Tom Riddle added to your original er… face, would have been pretty striking I think. It's just the 'muggleness' of the name that's the problem really._

_Right, I'm not even going to go into the family thing right now- but if we're being general, adding Remus in there, then we have to add a betraying coward in there too because Wormtail was still a marauder. _

'_Not interested in physicality'? Are you serious? That has __**got**__ to be a lie and I still can't imagine that woman __**doesn't**__ want to get in your pants after the groveling I saw in that last vision I got of your meeting last night-and by the way, gruesome much? I'm pretty sure people aren't supposed to bleed that much; just a thought._

_Not to mention…? What? You lost your bits when you came out of the cauldron? I could see where the lack of desire stemmed from if that was the case._

_You're serious about the curse? That was just speculation. Hmm… I think I'll just try to stay away from this lady's bad side this year. If not, I might end up being the cause for the curse's activation._

_Hadrian_

_Ps. That's by full name by the way_

_PPs. I thought we had already established that Fate was a twisted bitch?_

* * *

><p><em>Chosen One,<em>

_Trash-heap my ass. Unless Lucius' manor is considered a trash heap..._

'_Once or twice'? I will take that to mean it was shoved down your throat and you were left in a library to research when the person who spoke of it realized you didn't know what they were talking about._

_His mother's portrait screams? How lovely. I would be surprised if they actually did this though, the three of the marauders never seemed like they would be willing to turn their back on 'the light'. On to the matter of physicality, may I choose the response 'no comment'? _

_Visions? What do you mean? Hmm… you speak as though this happens often. How far have these visions progressed and how often are they? For the record, we were leeching the woman of her blood, she was bound to bleed more than usual._

_I am insulted actually. You believe __**I**__, Lord __**Voldemort**__, would botch a resurrection to the point of losing my manhood? –Ah, it __**was**__ the rat who preformed much of the ritual so I suppose I can see where you're coming from. I still don't know why I'm speaking about this with you; Never speak of this again- is that clear?_

_Are you actually insinuating that you would kill the ministry toad? I think I underestimated your 'goldenness' far more than I should have._

_V._

_Ps. I don't give a damn what your full name is- it could be Harold or Harvey or Harrison or something like that, it really doesn't matter to me._

* * *

><p><em>Lord Volde*<em>

_He-Who-Must-N*_

_Riddle,_

_Forgive me for the title but I couldn't rouse to much suspicion. To be honest I wasn't sure how to title this letter at all. This is regarding the letter you sent me earlier this week, though I have no idea how you managed to get it through the wards surrounding me residence._

_I have spoken to Remus and we need to know exactly what we're getting into. If working with you pits us against the few people in the Order we can stand there's no deal. Cub is more important to me than anything else but I know how people like you work and taking away our freedom is not something I can agree to._

_Black._

* * *

><p>*: Sorry about that, FF. net doesn't like strikethroughs so it got rid of them it was supposed to be him crossing out the first titles before deciding on Riddle.<p>

J-S out!

R&R!


	5. Chapter 5

Wow... so yeah... no update every week. Sheesh I really took a long time on that one. But it's okay- It's summer now! So I can go back to posting every few days and not worry about the fact that I'm procrastinating!

Anyways, thank you to my reviewers: **Swordquill71, **_FiresBurningTouch, _**Serenity I. Noir, **_Melikalilly, _**make war not love. war is fun, **_FaerieKnight197, _**Krysania, **_sorafallenangel11, _**Cassandra-The Seer, **_elmo98, _**Athena's phoenix, **_Fading to Black,_ **Silver Moon Huntress, **_9foxgrl, _**Accidental Child, **_Toby860_.

Wow... I'm getting more reviews by the chapter- now I've probably jinxed myself. In any case, here's the story.

Oh, wait: last chapter ended with a letter from Sirius tentatively questioning what a change in allegiances would mean.

Jaysnow-Silverblaze Out- Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em>Tom,<em>

_Hush. I hate libraries- do you know how annoying it was to have Moody lock me up in the black library and refuse to let me out until I finished reading about the stupid Taboo? It was infuriating and I actually had to read because he would shout at me when he saw me sitting around through the door. I hate that eye of his._

_Yes the portrait screams- it's lovely. When you have ear plugs in at least._

_Now, I can see Wormtail screwing that up, I really can but I also think you would have murdered him immediately when you noticed. Oh Merlin, I can just imagine your expression when you realized it- I think I'm dying. While we're on that subject though 'no comment' is __**not**__ a suitable response. You don't enjoy 'physicality' because… hmm… you refused to even think about Bella… you supposedly still have your bits… Oh my god. You're gay aren't you? You are! I know it!_

_Right, safer subject. Visions? Oh yeah, I've been having them since before the Graveyard- why the hell were you bleeding a woman dry? You know, I'm not really sure I want to know._

_To be frank, I wouldn't __**kill**__ her per say… scar her or scare her away… now that I might do. Besides, I told you I wasn't 'golden'._

_o0o0o0o_

_Harry_

_Ps. It should Merlin-damned matter. It's __**my**__ name. Enough said._

_Brat,_

_I still don't find myself that surprised that you had to be locked in a library to __**read anything**__- it's really not that hard of a concept to grasp. For the record, I believe I had more reason than you to hate that blasted eye of his, I almost cursed Rowle for gouging it out when I saw what had replaced it._

_I can just imagine how pleasant a screaming portrait would sound._

_If you weren't smart enough to have someone check this letter for enchantments or do it for yourself than you are no doubt sporting a very attractive green skin tone- have fun explaining where it came from. Yes, I am __**gay**__ or __**homosexual**__ or whatever you prefer to refer to it as- there are quite a few wizards who are. Ah, but you were raised with muggles weren't you? It isn't as stigmatized in the wizarding world except by rigid mudbloods._

_If you don't want to know something don't ask for an explanation; we were using her in a ritual to restore more of my power- you didn't honestly think you could best me at full power did you? Since before the Graveyard… this could be potentially dangerous for both of us- we'll have to look into it._

_You wouldn't kill her? I find myself disappointed- that's a point towards your 'goldenness'._

_**Lord**__ V._

_Ps. I'm starting to wonder if Severus is right about your arrogance._

_o0o0o0_

_Arse,_

_Do you have any idea how hard it was to get the twins to claim they had turned my skin green? Ugh, I had to let slip about the Marauders- actually that wasn't that bad, considering I got to see them mobbing Sirius and Moony and doing whatever they said. Anyways- reading is the __**bane of my existence**__- besides I get by just fine when Hermione lets me read over her essays and stuff, and I __**do**__ learn._

_**Why**__ did you curse me when it wasn't that big of a secret anyways? If it's really that common in the wizarding world then why did most of Gryffindor freak when Dean came out? Whatever. School will be starting in a few days, promise not to attack Diagon Alley until I'm safely away?_

_Okay fine- I keep thinking about the gay thing, why isn't it stigmatized in the wizarding world?_

_Can you say 'eww'? Aren't there less messy ways of regaining your powers? And did you really have to drink the blood? How did you know she didn't have AIDS or something? Drinking people's blood can do that you know._

_You should show me how to send charms through the mail- I want to prank Sirius from Hogwarts. He can't say he's done __**that**__ before! Or maybe I'll curse Dumbledore so his lemon drop stash is banished whenever he reaches for it! Come on- it's for a good cause!_

_Oh yea, I found a book in the library when I was avoiding reading about the taboo thing- is it true I'll be permanently stunted if the blocks aren't removed?_

_Harry_

_Ps. I may be confident but I'm not arrogant- I leave that up to egomaniacs like you._

_o0o0o0o_

_Golden-boy_

_I'm not going to apologize for making the red-haired menaces take the blame. It's your fault you haven't learned to prevent yourself from being cursed by letters. Actually, this is getting pretty ridiculous, here- the wand movement is a clockwise twist and a right-to-left diagonal slash and the incantation is "Disso Maledic"- I'm going to start sending painful jinxes so learn it. Pity you can't send unforgivable over letters._

_You are a fool if you do not read- there is value in learning physically but knowledge is power- and I mean that very literally. I expect you to tell me about a new curse I don't know by the time you return to school. I highly doubt you can, but try- it'll prove you can learn something._

_Why are you so fixated with me being homesexual? It isn't stigmatized because there is blood-adoption. Read about that if you want to know more because I am not explaining it. When exactly is the date of your visit to Diagon Alley- I think I'll arrange a Death Eater escort to give Dumbles a heart attack, do you think that would kill him at his age?_

_There a certainly 'less messy' ways of getting back my powers but what Dark Lord would choose the longer and more pleasant route? Wizards can cure that kind of thing just so you know, though I wouldn't advise it unless you want to explain why you suddenly have it when you have to go to Saint Mungos to get it cured._

_I already showed you how to prevent it. Look it up. I expect you to explain it to me in the next letter; though the psychological torture of removing Albus from his lemon drops does have a nice appeal to it._

_ Yes, I do believe that your magical core will be stunted by this, but I was more of a putting the blocks __**on**__ kind of person, so I don't know a good way. I think the Gringotts goblins could do it but they would charge a hefty sum for such a task._

_Tom_

_Ps. You've called me an egomainiac three or four times now. It's not getting any more true- or less, granted._

_Pps. When are you planning on getting drunk?_

_Ppps. I just wondered. Do you know Occlumency at all?_

_o0o0o0o_

_Black,_

_However understanding of the reasons I will not be so lenient if the name is brought up once more. Nevertheless, I am not a __**good guy**__ so do not expect me to be kind and weak like your beloved headmaster. I am, however, a Slythern, which all but guarantees that I will not send you on a mission that would compromise your loyalty to me._

_TMR_

_Ps. This portion of the letter has a spell on it that makes it impossible to speak of what is being said. If you are serious about changing sides meet me in Greater Hangleton, I'm sure Dumbledore has informed you where that is. The date of September 2__nd__. You can easily claim you were sulking from Harry's absence. I expect you there no later than 11:30 in the morning. We have much to discuss._

* * *

><p>Sorry it's a little short ^^'<p>

R&R!

J-S Out!


	6. Chapter 6

I'm a terrible person for leaving all of my faithful readers and reviewers alone for so long! And to make up for it (though I had a short chapter) there's drunk!harry here! and some Slightly-Tsundere!Voldemort- I couldn't help it.

Thanks my lovely reviewers:** 9foxgirl, **_Arrow Riddari, _**Johanni93, **_Rachael With an A, _**Melikalilly, **_CrowX, _**My Alternate Reality, **_DreamingDragon37, _**septimaluna, **_AnimagiPotter, _**Moony the Mature One, **_To the TARDIS, _**KraZiiePyrozHavemoreFun, **_Delicious darkness, _**dianadenisa**.

Haha XD I did jinx it. I got the same number of reviews as last time!

So, last time it ended with Tommy threatening-ish Sirius and asking him to come to Greater Hangleton.

Have fun reading- Jaysnow-Silverblaze out!

* * *

><p>Egomaniac,<p>

Actually that (^) was only the second time, but it's sweet that you're counting all the times I say you've got ego problems. Quick question though, why are you teaching me spells? Not that I don't appreciate it of course but it's… weird… and not very Dark-Lord-ish.

Are you serious? You're sixty something, how am I supposed to teach you anything? Er… how's a uh… 'stomach rupturing curse'? It's a counter-clockwise loop with a diagonal and upwards left flick and the incantation is 'bilem expellere', heard of it? Ugh I have to take a shower, I don't think that book has been cleaned in years- decades!

Sirius has been giving me _really_ weird looks lately- is that your doing? Actually I don't care if it is- just quit it, it's creepy. And give Dumbles a heart attack? You know… it's tempting… oh f-it I'm going on August 28th- and I better see that escort. Have you bound Snivilous with an unbreakable oath not to reveal anything about your er… new position regarding me? Because the little snitch is so deep in Dumblefuck's pocket I'm not surprised he never even has time to take a shower.

And I'm not fixated on you being _homosexual_ per say… more the fact that _you_'re homosexual if you catch my drift (er that's a muggle saying meaning do you know what I mean… if you didn't know). And about the 'messy' thing can we just decide that you're a different kind of Dark Lord and you don't er 'drain' innocent virgin girls because you want to get stronger? Ugh I think I need to change quills and burn this one because I even wrote that- ugh!

And I'm not planning on drinking anyone's blood so I don't think that's an issue for me!

Oh, and about the spell to send curses/jinxes through the mail and blood adoption… um can we have a rain check on that? (Oh… uh that's another muggle saying that means give me some time) Hermione's been noticing how much time I spend in the library recently so it might be best to avoid it for a while.

About the blocks- bullocks to the amount of money. I'd pay every pen- er knut- I owned to get rid of these damn things! And did you know that Dumblefuck's been avoiding me? He acts like you're possessing me and if he looks at me you'll attack or something. It's… actually kinda nice now that I think about it. But it's kinda annoying too- you know what I mean?

Harry

Ps. I think I'll still restrain myself from complimenting you too much

Pps. Getting there! Molly's like a hawk- it's creepy!

Ppps. What in the heck is Occlumency?

o0o0o0o

Muggle Loving Fool,

I haven't been counting! I- How dare- It's not ((**A/N: **again I tried to scribble it out and wouldn't let me)). I'm teaching you spells because I do not have incompetent followers. Good that you appreciate it, my life is now complete. I hope you could hear the sarcasm, letters are tricky like that.

The stomach rupturing curse is one of the first dark curses any Slytherin knows. Try again. Of course creeping you out is my doing, that's what I live for remember- and to kill you and complete the prophecy of course but that's beside the point.

Potter, I think I'm having more of an impact on you then you think I am. Why else would you _willingly_- as in not under the imperious curse- give me information on a date, time and place you will be, Order of the Fire-bird or no? Don't tell me you're going to start hanging out with Lucius's little peacock of a boy- you might give your little friends a heart attack.

Why is it so hard to believe that _I'm_ homosexual? Why would that interest you, 'innocent virgin' as you are? Nevermind, this subject is getting boring.

You wouldn't drink someone's blood? Why ever not? I'm sure if someone got you in bed they'd change your mind easily enough- well, perhaps not when you think about the kinds of people you hang around with.

Why does it not surprise me at this point that you would avoid the library just to allow your know-it-all mudblood to continue to delude herself that she is the smartest? There is a charm that will help, the disillusionment charm- the incantation is _Dissimulo_ and you just have to tap your wand to your head. It turns you invisible- or more accurately, makes your skin appear the same color and texture of what's behind you. Do not shirk on learning, it is never a smart idea.

I hear that Gringotts takes mail orders, perhaps you should send them a request so that you can meet them when you go to Diagon Alley on the 28th. Possessing you? Why on earth would he think that? Hmm… tell me if this continues and what he does, it is strange that he went from showering you with praise to avoiding you. And I don't care a whit about whether that makes you happy or sad or like you're filled with singing purple butterflies.

Tom

Ps. Good luck

Pps. I believe you're nervous, Golden Boy Potter scared of what he'll say while he's drunk.

Ppps. I'll get into that later. It's too large a subject to cover in a post script.

o0o0o0o

Tommy,

You know Riddle is an awesome name, Riddle, Riddle- it's like you're some mystery man in a cloak- wait you are! Are you like secretly some Vigilante that is posing as a Dark Lord so no one will know it's you? That would be cool, because then I wouldn't really have an issue with liking you as much as I do- cuz, you know, it's kinda wrong.

Ha! The fire-bird is just a flaming chicken! Though he did save my life- can you believe his name is Fawkes? I think Marco would suit him better, don't you? How'd you come up with the name Nagini anyways? I found Hedwig's name in my History book! First and last time I ever read that, that's for sure. Oh hey, hey guess what? I found this new spell! How do you like it? The twins gave it to me!

Oh my Merlin- did you see Moody's expression when he saw Lucius and all those other minions of yours? It was awesome! You should do it again, how about at kings cross- ha! They'd get so paranoid. Ah it would be awesome.

So… so, so, so am I bad? I mean Dumbedor- DUmbledoor- whatever his name is said something about choices being why I didn't turn out like you so does me talking to you make me bad? Like really bad? Like 'learning dark arts' bad- cuz I mean that's what I'm doing isn't it?

Looove,

Harry

o0o0o0o

V

Merlin's saggy Y-fronts, did I really send you a letter drunk or was that just my imagination? And why were my finger-nails almost a foot-long and bright pink when I woke up?

Oh well, too late to take it back- and I went to Gringotts like you suggested and I got the blocks removed- You were right about the price; it was insane! Anyways, so I got them removed. It's- I don't even know how to describe it, it's like suddenly being about to see after having glasses all my life (hurray for magical healing) but sooo much better.

Oh and I asked them about blood adoption. Isn't it illegal? Why is it so "common" if that's the case?

And for today's curse… the concussive hex, you aim like a stunner and say _Exio_. Better?

Really hoping I didn't terribly embarrass myself last night

Harry

Ps. I _hate_ hangovers

o0o0o0o

Idiot,

You terribly embarrassed yourself.

0

0

Okay, fine I can't leave the letter there, but I was tempted. As you obviously don't remember, you asked me if I would send another DE escort to King's Cross, how I came up with Nagini's name, and if you could take the Dark Mark. Oh- and you had a moral crisis about talking to me. It was amusing.

And why in the nine-hells did you send a sobering charm to _me?_ I take it you planned on sending the finger-nail lengthening charm to me and mixed them up? Though I really have no idea why you turned your own nails pink.

You got your eyes fixed? Why did my minions- Death Eaters, they're not minions, damn you!- not tell me of this? Oh, and blood adoption is illegal because the last person who tried it was the minister for magic and he didn't actually feel paternal feelings for the brat and the magic in the ritual killed him. It was a great little article in the news, I might still be able to find it- I know I stuck it up somewhere.

Your aim is terrible. I am ashamed to have been thwarted by you. You are a terrible arch-nemesis, can I have a refund? Seriously, not even being able to aim a concussive hex- even when you were sober; for shame.

V

Ps. …you're not evil for talking to me.

* * *

><p>Thought about making it longer, but couldn't resist ending it there. So, what do you think?<p>

R&R

J-S Out!


End file.
